Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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