My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
