the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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