kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
