you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
