Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
