I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
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