You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
