Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Found the puke drawer
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Holy shit dude........stairs
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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