If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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