just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
