take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
