Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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