i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
time to smoke my breakfast
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
