sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
