why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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