I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
