if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
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