Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
