Pregnant stripper...not hot.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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