Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
