What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
