i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
