Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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