Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
