You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
