its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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