Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
