Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
