no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
