everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I won't apologize to a one balled man
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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