Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
