just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
