You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
