my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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