Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
