When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
