Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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