im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
