My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
