I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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