I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
