sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
