I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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