My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
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There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
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You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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