How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
