Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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