I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
