I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
