Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
