I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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