i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
