do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
