i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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