please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
