youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
her vagine was all disorganized.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
