at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
