so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
