im about as happy as oj after his trial
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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